stressed.

you may ask, where is my stress level now that i'm taking a break from school and facing only 2 final exams in like another 2.5 weeks.

i've been thinking a lot on "what may happen in future when i start to work?"

i am finally getting to understand what they mean when they say,
"your spouse is the only one who will grow old with you and stay by your side for all your life."
your own children will grow up one day and have their own family with their spouse and their little ones running around their homes.
your own children may not need your presence some day and they will be too busy with their own lives so much so that they might neglect you although they didn't mean to.

i don't want to be one of them but i'm lacking of space to breathe in suddenly.

often, i understand why you nag why you act this way etc.
i don't want you to feel lonely especially now that 25% have left. =\

but why is it that your 50% isn't giving any effort to please you?

i'm the last 25% that you have got and yes, i know you are relying on me much lately.

i hated gender discrimination and i hate it now still.

you take it for granted some times and will just blow your top unreasonably.
i needed my own time.
i needed my own space.
but i realized some of these are given up often because i needed to please you and i want to make you happy as i know there is nobody esle except me, kind of.

i don't hate you.
i don't blame you.

i love you.

i can't help but to, yet again, push every and all blames to him.

he really... sucks.

i told myself, i will be able to accept living under the same roof with him because of you.
but one thing that will not change is, acknowledgment.
i'm not linked to him in anyway.
i just want you to be happy and less tired.

i do household chores when i can.

i listened to your sorrows.

i listened to your complaints.

i looked at you when you just fell asleep due to exhaustion.

i thought about you.

i'm just afraid of the near future when i begin to work.

i may get busy, the busy-ness that i may not have experienced before.
i want you to quit when i have stabilized and when i have the ability.
but i'm afraid of what's after.
you are not an outdoor person sadly, and i fear.
you are not an outgoing person, and i fear.

you are not an active person, and i fear.
you are paranoid, and i fear.
you are sensitive, and i fear.

do you know what i fear?
i'm worried.

there are times when i had the urge to call the freak and ask him back for you.
but i really don't feel like speaking to him at all.

i know you will be happy if he is back.

but he is just a coward, hiding somewhere esle and afraid to return to this home of his.

i wouldn't care less but not you.

and because of you, i cared.

hey, tell me why am i worrying so much now.

i have yet to graduate from polytechnic.
and i love to enter university but you said i might slow down the time if i did.
but i really love to enter university if i can make it.

university... costs?
my current school loan?

this sucks.

i should have been more sensible and kept working since secondary school.

i have been thinking a lot lately.

thinking of you whenever i looked at you and the tiredness you portrayed.
thinking of everything under the sky before i fall to sleep every night.

thinking of the past and question marks appeared.

thinking of the unchanged facts and started to regret which is already too late.

thinking of the future which is waiting for me.

sentimental much?

emotional much?

yes, i agree but maybe because 20 years of age is catching up with me so it's time to think.

i want every one around me to be happy.

i want you to be healthy.

i want you to be living blissfully.

i want you to be more initiative and expressive.

i want my urge to do shopping... to stop. lols.

tell me you care and i'll smile.

it warms my heart.