我是幸福的。

I was reading in the living room when sister & bro-in-law left our home.
I headed into my room and i saw money clipped in between my book.
then my handphone rang, it was a text message from my sister.
"Jon left money on your table, go check it out."
Jon's my brother-in-law btw.
I replied, "FOR WHAT?!"
"for your expenses to vietnam, just take it."

i almost cried.

the best things that can happen to me is,
1. i have the noblest mum in the world.
2. i have the ultimate best darling sister ever.
3. i have a bro-in-law whom dotes on me and loves my sister a lot.

just a few days ago...
they asked me if i wanna join them for a day trip to Desaru (malaysia) and we get to play JETSKI! :D

of course i was happy, the thought itself makes me more than contented.
but i replied my sister...
"you sure you wanna pay for me? because i really have no money to fend for myself anymore and you just agreed to sponsor half of my study trip."

honestly.
i have been fretting over my study trip.
i have been fretting over the costs of it.

because i wanna be a sensible kid and not bother my tired mum with financial matters.
because i wanna be independent and not add burden to this family although i know my siblings are already contributing to this family with their income.
i wanted very much to be a sensible kid.
perhaps i shouldn't have signed up for such trip in the first place.

money is really frustrating.
many will be amazed on how i survive based on my monthly income.
i have complained about my monthly income but i will never take more than it.
because i want to be a sensible and understanding child.

i had my first IB lecture this morning.
i was paying full attention in fact.
i think i got the answer to the question that i have been asking since i was young.

"why must he go overseas and not stay in singapore?"
the lecture today taught me that the main reason is the cost, cheaper.
then many questions just came to my mind.
"what happened then?"
"i may have understood the reason why you went overseas but, i still do not understand why you could just shook all the responsibility away. why?"

"they say the Chinese works based on relationships. have you got any relationships there?"
all the wild ideas and questions just came to me.

i was so curious all of a sudden.
i wanted to know so much.
i wanted to know abt your so-called business, even if it failed back then.
i am a business girl now, so i can understand already.
tell me then, just tell me everything abt your business.
i want to know why.

i had a dream last night.
i dreamt that i died.
i dreamt that i commit suicide by slitting my own throat and blood refused to stop.
i don't know what it meant but sucha weird dream.

i felt love.

and yes, i cried while typing this post.

do you know how i felt all these years and whenever i looked back?

all the silent tears and heartache, do you know?