Service Learning Trip

We are back at this topic again after... 4 years.

I got interested in service learning trips since 18 but i never had the chance to do so. Mum. She is the main reason that I pushed back my wants. I wanted to go last year but I got into TTC Exco & I let go of the chance due to the double commitment levels.

I'm stepping down TTC this year and I chanced upon the recruitment drive again for YEP. It suddenly struck me that this might be my very last year to participate in it, a meaningful trip which can make a small difference internationally. I was afraid & not confident of adapting to the environment in a rural village for two whole weeks, how else can I help the people there when they can survive in the environment better than me. Two weeks is long, i know. I talked to my friends about it. I talked to my sister about it. I decided to challenge myself. I want to come back with a fresh state of mind. I want to go through the enriching learning experience and see the world out there. I know this trip will benefit me greatly in terms of character development and psychologically. I want to be able to tell my pupils in future that how fortunate they are to be living in Singapore. I want to share my experience. I want to contribute to the society.

Everyone supported my decision, except her of course. I knew that there is an interview to go through before making it into the YEP team so everyone told me to go ahead and try it. I might not even pass it, I thought. But I did.

I was really happy and almost everyone was happy for me, they admired my courage for doing so and convinced me that not everybody can do it. I don't how is it like going to be there but I'm expecting the worst so that I can be prepared for it. I'm looking forward to working with the team and making a difference in another country.

Except her, i knew it.
She knew that she can't change my decision so she pulled a long face. She gave attitude. Why can't she give me her support the very least? She knows that she's the most important figure in my life. Doesn't she understand that I won't be in peace if she doesn't give me her support for the trip? I'm worried. I know she will be, perhaps, lonely during the 2 weeks of my absence. Why can't my siblings be more understanding towards my mum? They seemed to be too engrossed leading their own lives. I'm worried and I'm scared too. But this is something I want to do, just let me head out and try. If I fall, I fall... and let me get up myself again. Trust me, I'm mature enough to deal with all these. I just want you to trust me and support me.

I started school (Year 2) only 2 weeks ago and I'm drowning in the workload. I have a lot to do on hand. My stepping down from TTC would means more things to settle too. I have been spending almost everyday in school, from morning to late evening, and I haven't been home early to keep her company. I know. I know it all. I'm also concerned. But I can't help it, I really can't. I need to clear my assignments. I need to work with my group. I need to have meetings. I need to be responsible. I am a student leader in the biggest club in the campus and I have a role to play. I am proud of my role in the campus.

I know that I face my laptop whenever I reached home after bath and dinner. All for school work. You're unhappy but have you thought of me? I'm very stressed and tired. I faced school work for the whole day in school and I still need to rush it at home at night. It is not like I deliberately ignore you.

I always make it a point to keep you company during the holidays. I stay home with you. I eat with you. I accompany you to head out. Didn't you understand that that is all because I have the time to do so when it is the holidays?

Now that school term resumed, I am caught in the pool of workload again.
You complained of my absence. You doubt my whereabouts. You threw your temper. You make unreasonable comments. Don't you understand that you're adding pressure and stress to me?

I met up with my long-time-no-see friends for a catchup session and it was a form of escape from the excessive workload, a form of destress for me. But you chose to believe otherwise. I had dinner with my classmates whom I rarely have the chance to since we are all from different classes - social networking. But you chose to doubt me too.

I was unwell. I had sore throat. I had coughs. I had fever. I'm feeling bad as it is.
But I still had to drag myself to school and hide my condition from you so that you will not worry about me. Good that you didn't notice but your additional pressure to me.. is suffocating.

I started giving tuition because I have you in mind. I want you to be less worried about money so I took up the extra income. Honestly, this week's gonna be my third lesson and I feel exhausted every Friday evening when I need to rush to tuition immediately after school ends. But I kept the money in my mind.

I have never done anything wrong neither am I doing anything wrong. Why do I feel like I did something wrong?

I would feel better if I've your trust.
I would feel better if I've your support.

People are talking to me a lot about relationships lately, it did came across my mind recently too.
But no, I don't think I can get myself a pillar at this rate. I can't.

This adulthood VS retirement life is getting too taxing on me. I can't breathe at home, as much as I look forward to coming home and just rest after a long day at school. I am very tired but I can't fall asleep at night because of the ongoing thoughts in my mind. I kept thinking if I'd done anything wrong.

Think of your sons, then think of me.  I want to run away from home for once.

I love you, I do.