The Essential Ingredients in Life, Lost.

Life's good at home and with relationships.

But. I've been feeling down since this year has begun.
I lost all the ingredients that I needed to keep myself going.
I feel tremendous stress, pressure and extreme procrastination.

I'm trying to live up to the expectations at work this year.
I'm accepting the many opportunities presented to me at work and I'm really thankful for that.

There are so many things to juggle at work everyday.
I know I can't complain because it just reflects my uselessness.
If the others can deal with it, why can't i?
And so, I need to deal with it well too.

I'm not ambitious at all.
I really am working for one goal now and that is to teach well.
It is really difficult to do that with the other duties on me.
I suddenly felt like I lost the purpose at work.
I used to do beautiful lessons because of the expectations that the academy has given to us.
Upon graduating from the title of 'trainee', everything seemed to changed.
The reality starts to sink in.
There is no time at all and many committed senior teachers use their own time in coming up with lesson materials etc. I used to do that and I really don't mind spending more time for the children.

Then, these extra time that I used to set aside has gone to studies.
I bring markings home every night and I told myself to keep administrative matters to office.
I just felt taxing to deliver the 'best' lessons and I know exactly what it takes to do the 'best' lesson.
The pupils learn through fun activities and stay engaged in learning.
I felt like I've been owing my pupils that lately.

Studies, another problem.

I started ambitious too.
But. I lost the purpose of it too.
I started to wonder if I'm doing the right thing at the right time now.
I can't focus. I don't know which to focus on.
When I'm working, I think of assignments.
When I'm doing assignments, I think of work.
Am I really doing the right course too?
I mean, it's really interesting but I'm not as passionate towards this course as I did when I did teaching course. Could it be a different interest area or because it's simply part-time?
Did I start it wrong with the desperate need of a degree placing?

I can't put it to words because if i don't put it to words well, it's all excuses to people.
But I'm really dreading this all now and I'm scared.
What if i fail my duties well as a teacher and fail my part-time studies too?

I'm supposed to be doing my assignment but you know what, I really d-r-e-a-d doing it.
If only this is my assignment and I can really hit 2500 words fast alone.
I kept telling myself that it's only the last two assignments and I'm done this semester but I never felt so heavy before. I feel unhappy and I think about all these whenever there are free time.

I'm really scared for my examinations next month.
What if I really fail?
I've never been that afraid of failures before and I actually do think there's a possibility of me failing.
The grades that I've been receiving for assignments are alright with a minimum 65 and above for now. I really am just thankful and contented for a pass.

Maybe i overestimated myself.
I overestimated my capabilities.
I overestimated my limits.

I just feel very very very lost.
I can't seem to find everything back.
The passion. The motivation. The determination. The drive.

Maybe I'm escaping from all these because I've misplaced my focus and purpose suddenly.
I've been trying hard to find it back but ohmygod, it's so difficult.

Why can't life be simple?
I can really be contented with a basic salary with no progression, you know.
But the standard of living and future doesn't allow me to do that.
It takes courage too, I guess.

I really am wondering where am I heading to now...
It's a path of uncertainty suddenly.

I miss the old me.
I feel unhappy and useless.
I don't know how to describe.

Back to assignments now?
Seriously, SIGH.
Can I give up on it? ):
Yes, i think i'm losing the grip.